March 2012
0 posts
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There is infinite balance in the Universe: There’s a Cold Stone Creamery on my new block, but this mirror I just bought makes me look unusually thin.
February 2012
71 posts
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I have nothing in which to look forward. I have no trips planned—nor money to take them after this move—no dates, nothing. Everything is so costly and I am worried about paying so much extra every month. This move has taken its toll on me. The panic and anxiety of having everything in disarray; the exhaustion of always having errands and apartment-related work to do (the cable guy has...
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Tonight from my very deaf and very drunk Super: I dog is so good; he never makes any noise.
[Anyone who knows Mini knows how hilar and FALSE his statement is. Also, if you believe him on that, you’ll believe the building is clean.]
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It’s embarrassing how self-congratulatory I am when I successfully hang a heavy cabinet using power tools. You’d think I just cured cancer.
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While this is a horrible pic. of myself—I look like a chipmunk—I’m posting it because I find it has a very Hopper quality to it that I find beautiful.
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What hurts most is when someone you’ve laid yourself bare to over the years disregards your feelings for someone else’s. It is like being stabbed in the stomach and I have not been able to stop sobbing and get up all day.
How can someone not care how their actions hurt me?
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I have been going through old published writing. It sucks it is all over the internet like dirty panties strewn about across Tenth Ave on my walk to the ‘mat. I will be reposting some of it here just so I can have my figurative drawers in more figurative drawers.
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BRUJERIA [originally published on Mr. Beller’s Neighborhood]
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I love that this apartment has a switch you flip upon exiting the shower that pumps heat down on you. I’m so cold I feel like just sleeping on the bathroom floor, but I can’t because the dog is. (There’s also a cold fan too for summer!)
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Staring at my brand new stainless fridge, microwave and oven, I feel like I just won the Price is Right.
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RELAX, SMIRNOFF!
You know you’ve truly run out of ideas when you resort to creating Marshmallow and Whipped Cream-flavored vodka.
What next…mint vodka? Hey, wait! That’s not a bad idea. Don’t steal it. You read it here first.
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I woke to my move with a fever and kidney pain. I plowed through and organized all the furniture and there were over 140 boxes; there are 40 left to open now.
The cable/phone/internet is set up, the bedroom (except for an armoire needing to be painted white) and closet are finished. The living room is in pretty good shape. It just needs to be cleaned, the wallpaper needs to be put up and...
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Repost of Life Imitates Art from Mr. Beller’s Neighborhood which I wrote after seeing The Wrestler in a Murray Hill movie theater.
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Friends That Write Dies!
Hello my darling KK:
I know it’s moving day and you are in the midst of madness, but I thought I would send you a couple of funny pigeon things that made me think of you. Hopefully they cheer you in this stressful time! It will all be worth it once you get settled.
Number One (kind of creepy, but made me think of you nonetheless):
Number Two: ...
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The Universe Speaks Through Spam
Each day I check my spam folder and am convinced I get special winks from the Universe through it. Here is today’s gem:
Today found in my spam folder:
She knew it, and she would not hear of death.
He said to himself, “I always knew that love would come down on me like a storm.” Then, aloud, he said to her: “I wish I knew what you know;...
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I don’t even want the cappuccino. I just want an extra-large cup of foam and sugar. Why doesn’t anyone sell just that?
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Years ago, after 911, I lost my job as a marketing manager in a finance-related firm. So I had to take any job offered in order to pay my rent. I ended up taking a job for a year at a small investment firm as an executive assistant to the head of it and as the...
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Wallpaper
I love wallpaper, especially black and white patterned wallpaper. So before I move on Thursday I figured I’d head to my new apartment tonight and replicate what I have done in my current bedroom and put up striped black and white wallpaper behind my bed. Also, I got some black and white polka dot wallpaper for my closet. I recall how easy it was to soak the prepasted paper and...
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I just texted a friend saying I was smoking a Newport with my five movers. A friend said: This has the makings of a very bad porn.
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Meltdowns of the Moving Variety
I was just speaking to someone on the phone and mentioned I hoped I could hold it together but that I suspected I’d end up crying in front of the moving men. I quickly thought of all the times I had moved and realized I have cried in front of the movers every time.
About 15 years ago when I moved to NYC from just across the river in NJ at the end of the...
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Read my latest piece for BrickUnderground: The Twenty Deadly Sins of NYC Real Estate Brokers
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Broken Vows
I have been cleaning and organizing my whole apartment because I’m moving. I have been finding things I had forgotten about. Today I found a box with my wedding stuff—-old invites, my sign-in book and shower and wedding cards. I threw them all out. Kinda sad.
What I didn’t throw out was the wedding ceremony my friend wrote for us. We got married by her in...
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Rate-a-Date - The Oxymormon
Going through my diary from nearly two years ago I just reread the date recap I wrote about my very first date at Shake Shack with AK. It was March 8, 2010. I had a burger and shake, he told me a funny story about being a mormon for a day andI made a witty comment in my recap calling him an “OXYMORMON”! No one entertains me more than myself.
Oddly I have...
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The breakdown of dresser number one in my room says a lot about why you should never visit me:
One drawer devoted to prisoner letters, one drawer devoted to love letters, one drawer devoted to stationary, one drawer devoted to knitting paraphernalia, and one drawer devoted press clippings of articles that I wrote or were written about me.
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Apparently today’s packing has a theme: Sex, Drugs and Expiration Dates. (I’m well past mine.)
While packing today I found a box of Today Sponges that expired in 2007, a handful of condoms that expired in 2010 and some cough syrup that did so in 2009. In better news I found some painkillers that have not expired.
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To YOU:
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My new room cum walk-in closet makes me jizz in my pants!
Excuse me for posting seemingly mundane pictures of a closet but when faced with lack of storage during my move I convinced my landlord to turn a small bedroom into a walk-in closet for me, complete with chandelier. (You know, because fancy girls have chandeliers in their dressing rooms!) So not only does it have the original closet the...
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I’m always suspect of people who order wine at Shake Shack.
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Cheese
I have always thought cheese is one of the most vile things one can put in one’s mouth. The smell, the texture, the taste…ewww, just ewww.
Today Gawker confirms.
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Today from the Spam folder:
An emotional girl longing for the higher things of life would find factory life galling beyond words.
Die!
Pinterest
My ex accuses me of using the voodoo doll by my bed as a surrogate for him. His crushing headaches? He suspects there is a pin in the doll’s noggin. Maybe there is; maybe there isn’t. Dolls can’t talk; I won’t.
Seemingly unrelated, everyone is on this Pinterest craze. Pinterest is an online pinboard. Organize and share things you love. (Or, according to my...
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Nice Notes
“sometimes, like now, i need to tell you how awesome i think you are… i love reading you!”
This made my day!
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Surprises
I’m pretty against surprises. I don’t like anything spontaneous or beyond my control. I get tons of [bad] surprises: “Hey, surprise, here’s a creepy email from a Peeping Tom who lives across the street!”; “Boo! Your boyfriend is cheating on you with a woman who lives right by you!”; and “That mole isn’t benign! Can you believe...
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While packing to move next week, I just discovered a box way in the recesses of the closet that I had never unpacked from my move here six years ago. Ah, there are my diplomas, extension cords, nail files and shelf brackets…
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From the Spam folder today:
For so beautiful a woman, of so worldly a stock, of a society so in the front of things, she had some Philistine notions, some quite middle-class ideals.
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Another oddly juxtaposed Groupon offer:
Laser Nail Fungus Removal Treatment for Both Feet ($1,200 Value) —-
Upscale Southern-Italian Dinner for Two or Four with Appetizers, Entrees, Desserts, and Bottle of Wine (Up to 68% Off)
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From the Spam folder today:
Betrayal, they say, is the willful slaughter of hope.
Ah, those Nigerians really can write. And so appropriate for my Valentine’s Day.
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Sinners Welcome
By MARY KARR
I opened up my shirt to show this man the flaming heart he lit in me, and I was scooped up like a lamb and carried to the dim warm. I who should have been kneeling was knelt to by one whose face should be emblazoned on every coin and diadem:
no bare-chested boy, but Ulysses, with arms thick from the hard-hauled ropes. He’d sailed past the clay gods and...
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You know you have truly made it when one of your FB “friends” sneakily shares your statuses with those not on your FB Friends List. You know who you are, d-bag.
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“This record is inspired by something that is really normal… just a rubbish relationship.” —Adele
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Today from the Spam folder: “[You are] badly lost in your little island.” More like I’m lost ON my little island.
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Today’s email from Groupon has two weirdly juxtaposed offers:
In related news: DO NOT BUY DISCOUNTED COLONICS.
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In my spam folder just now:
Still there was one drop of comfort in the midst of her trials.
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I have written many times that throughout my life I know doom is coming when I start having odd encounters involving pigeons.
Today I was exiting the building and a pigeon was sitting outside the building door. I assumed when I opened it, the bird would fly away. But even with the dog nudging it, the pigeon stood its ground. I was really sad thinking it was hurt, sick and couldn’t fly.
...
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Sometimes I sit here and try to think of things that will make me panic. Here’s what I came up with today: Imagine if there was a button on Twitter that said FOLLOW ALL?
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Today when the moving company’s estimator asked why I picked them over other movers I explained truthfully I Googled NYC Moving Cos and picked the three with the black, white and red logos.
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The Universe Needs a New Script Writer
I just found out the Peeping Tom across the street from my house—the catalyst for my move—is moving out this week.
I will know the Universe TRULY hates me if he is moving to Hell’s Kitchen.
It’s like Louis CK is writing the script of my life.
Die!
The Faux Dead Animal on My Head Edition
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The ampersand’s role has gotten far more crucial in the age of Tweeting.
